Episode 18: Emotional Intelligence at any age: How We Grow When We Weren’t Taught How

Welcome back to Courageous Alignment, everyone. Hi, I'm your host Cher. Today we're talking about emotional intelligence. Something I believe we do not talk about enough. If you ever heard yourself say something you didn't even mean because you were triggered, stay with me. If you ever shut down mid-conversation and hated yourself for it afterward, you're not alone. The question is, how do we grow when we weren't taught how? We talk about emotional intelligence like it's a skill you should have mastered by the time you're 20. As if you didn't grow up in a home that modeled emotional maturity, you're behind. And if you're in your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, or beyond, and you're still learning how to communicate, regulate, or connect, people can make it mean something's wrong with you. Here's the truth: emotional intelligence is not age-based. It's experience-based, awareness-based, it's willingness-based. Come on, take a breath in with me. Inhale, slow, deep belly breath, and exhale. Now, as you listen, just notice what's true for you. No judgment, no fixing. And here's what we don't say out loud enough. Some people simply don't get the chance to grow emotionally until later in life. Not because they're broken or because they're stubborn, but because no one ever taught them how. People who feel emotionally immature, even in their older years, can still grow, evolve, and become someone they're proud of. Emotional immaturity isn't about being childish, it's about being unequipped. So it might look like shutting down instead of communicating, defensiveness instead of curiosity, reacting instead of responding, taking everything personally, avoiding hard conversations, needing control because vulnerability feels unsafe, confusing intensity with intimacy, and confusing agreement with connection. Which one shows up for you when you're stressed? And if you're being really honest, what are you protecting in that moment? Fear, shame, sadness, or a feeling of powerlessness? And here's the part that melts people's shame. Emotional immaturity is usually a survival strategy, not a character flaw. If you grew up in a home where emotions were punished, conflict was explosive, affection was inconsistent, silence was safer than honesty, or you were taught to be strong instead of be human, then emotional maturity was not modeled for you. You learned to survive, not feel. Some people don't emotionally mature until their 40s, 50s, 60s, or 70s because early in life they were in survival mode. They were raising kids, they were working nonstop, in relationships where emotional growth wasn't possible. They didn't have the language for their inner world, or they didn't have safety to explore their emotions. And then life does what life does a loss, a breakup, a health scare, a spiritual awakening, a new relationship, even a grandchild being born. Something cracks the heart open, and then something shifts. They want to understand themselves. They want to communicate better. They want to heal what they've carried for decades. Emotional growth begins the moment someone decides they're ready to see themselves clearly. Age has nothing to do with it. There's always a moment, a moment where someone says, I don't want to be reactive anymore. I don't want to hurt people I love. I don't want to shut down when things get hard. I don't want to feel confused by my own emotions. I want to be better. I want to understand myself. That moment is sacred because emotional intelligence doesn't begin with perfection. It begins with awareness. Awareness is the doorway, willingness is the key, and practice is the path. And I want to say this as someone who's had to learn it too. I still practice when I'm triggered. Not because I'm failing, but because this is what being human looks like. We don't graduate from emotions. We learn how to meet them. When someone decides to grow, we usually focus on what they'll do differently. Communicate more, react less, apologize, open up. But emotional growth is an inside job. The hard part isn't learning a new tool. The hard part is living in a new inner world. Change is the decision. I'm going to do this differently. Transition is what it feels like after the letting go, the confusion, the rebuilding. Most people move through three emotional zones, and they don't move through them neatly. Endings, letting go of the old identity and old defenses, the neutral zone, the in between where you don't have your old coping patterns, but the new ones aren't automatic yet. New beginnings, a steadier self shows up. Not perfect, but more honest, more regulated, more available. When we talk about endings, the grief of outgrowing your old self. This is where people feel the sting. I don't know. They grieved the years, the missed repairs, the way they've protected themselves, shutting down, controlling, numbing, exploding. And here's what matters. Those old patterns weren't random. They were protective. So when you try to let them go, your nervous system can react like it's losing oxygen. More defensive, more irritable, more shut down, more I'm fine. So to navigate this stage, they do not need a lecture. They need language and gentleness. Name what's ending. My old way of coping was to shut down. I'm learning a new way. Allow the grief without making it shame. Grief says I care. Shame says I'm bad. Make all small repairs in real time. I got defensive. I'm going to try that again. The neutral zone. When growth feels messy and emotionally confusing. This is the phase where someone is trying to be different, but under stress. The old self keeps reappearing. They may swing between insights and relapse. Open one day, avoidant the next, calm in the morning, reactive at night. Often it's not lack of caring, it's lack of tolerance. When emotions get too big, the body goes into protect mode, fight, which would be anger, blame, control, or freeze, silence, numbness, disappearance. So here's a 60-second reset. Do this with me. If you can, place one hand on your chest and one on your belly. Let your shoulders drop. Inhale through your nose for a count of four. Inhale. One, two, three, four. Hold. One, two. Exhale for six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Two more rounds. And on the exhale, whisper. I am safe enough to stay present. Here's what mature navigation looks like in the neutral zone. Notice the body cue. A tight chest, a clenched jaw, heat in the face, urge to erupt, urge to disappear. Name the emotion. I'm feeling scared. I'm feeling embarrassed. I'm feeling powerless. By naming it, it lowers the chaos. Make space instead of sprinting away. Two slow breaths, a pause, a hand on the chest, a sip of water, a moment of grounding. Choose the next right action. Ask a question. Own your part. Request a break. Say what you actually mean. Say this with me. Pause, name it, make space, choose. And you come back to that sentence anytime your emotions start to run the show. This is what it sounds like out loud. I'm getting triggered or activated. I want to stay connected, but I need my 10 minutes to ground. I'm noticing I'm wanting to defend myself. Can you tell me what you need from me right now? I'm not ready to talk yet, but I'm not avoiding you. I'll come back to this tonight. I said that harshly. Let me restart. New beginnings, building a self you can live with. Eventually the person stops measuring growth by whether they feel comfortable and starts measuring it by whether they're living in alignment. They learn to carry discomfort without making it someone else's problem. They still get triggered, they still have moments, but now there's a pattern. Pause, truth, repair. And over time that consistency becomes the safest kind of love. From that inner work, the outer shifts become visible, which is what emotional growth starts to look like on the outside. When someone grows emotionally later in life, it's powerful because it's intentional. And it may look like learning to pause before reacting, asking questions instead of assuming, saying, I don't know how to talk about this, but I want to try, apologizing without defensiveness, recognizing patterns instead of repeating them, choosing connection over control, and allowing themselves to feel, maybe for the first time ever. And the most beautiful part, they become softer, not weaker, more open, not more fragile, more honest, not more dramatic. Emotional intelligence makes people more human. If you want this to feel less abstract and more like something you can actually live, here's a simple thirty day structure, not perfection, just a return to yourself. Week one, awareness. Once a day, pause and ask, What am I feeling right now? And what am I needing? Not just fixing, just naming. Week two regulation, practice one nervous system tool daily. Longer exhales, a short walk, cold water on the wrists, a hand on the chest. Train your body to come back to center. Week three, communication. Have one brave conversation using a simple template. When X happened, I felt Y. What I need is Z. Keep it clean and keep it honest. Week four repair. Make one repair a week. Apologize without excuses, revisit a hard moment, or follow through on a promise. Repair is where trust is rebuilt. If you lived decades one way, your nervous system won't change in one afternoon, but it will change with reps. And every rep is proof that your story is still being written. So for those astrology lovers out there, we know that Pluto went retrograde on May 6th, which is about transformation turns inward. The inner audit, where am I still operating from protection instead of presence? We have the new moon in Taurus on may sixteenth, a grounded reset. Tiny, consistent changes build safety. This is how new patterns stick. On may seventeenth, Mercury enters Gemini, and Sun enters Gemini may twentieth. New language, new conversation, practice saying the truth with more skill. Mars enters Taurus and Venus enters Cancer on may eighteenth. Steady action plus tender connection. Do the work slowly and let love be softer. If any of those themes feel loud in your life right now, pick one conversation, one repair, or one boundary you've been avoiding and meet it with the practice we already named. Pause, name it, make space, choose. Meditation isn't about having a blank mind. It's training in two things that emotionally immature parts of us never learned. Awareness, noticing what's happening inside, and capacity, staying with what you feel without immediately reacting. Mindfulness research is pretty consistent here. When people practice, they tend to regulate emotions better. They use more helpful strategies like reframing and they get less stuck in emotional overwhelm. In plain language, meditation builds a tiny gap between what you feel and what you do. And inside that gap, you get choice. Some brain research even suggests mindfulness practice can strengthen the networks that support attention and emotional regulation. And here's how that turns into emotional growth in real life. Self-awareness. You start catching emotions earlier before they become an outburst or a shutdown. Self-regulation, you practice staying present with discomfort so you don't have to numb, control, or disappear. Empathy. When you can sit with your own feelings, you become less threatened by other people's feelings. Accountability, you learn to observe defensiveness arise without letting it drive the conversation. Here's a two-minute practice. Do this with me. If it's safe, soften your gaze or close your eyes. Feel your feet. One slow breath in, a longer breath out. Now quietly name what's here. Thinking, worry, sadness, tightness, anger, whatever is true, let it be there with our arguing with it. And then ask, what's the next right action? One degree more loving, one degree more honest. If you want this to change your life, keep it small. Three to five minutes a day is enough to start rewiring how you relate to your emotions. And if you miss a day, that's not failure. That's being human. Self-compassion is a part of the practice, and it's the one reason people feel steadier over time. Here are the core emotional intelligence skills that anyone at any age can learn. Number one, self-awareness. The empowering reframe. You don't need to become a different person overnight. You need to become a person who can stay present with themselves, noticing your emotions without judging them. Try this today. Set a reminder for one time, midday or evening, and finish the sentence in a note. Right now, I feel blank because blank. Number two, self-regulation. Learning to soothe your nervous system instead of reacting from it. In real life, self-regulation looks like catching yourself before the text you'll regret, before you give someone the cold shoulder, before the sarcasm. It's choosing to calm your body so words can be clean. Exhale longer than you inhale for sixty seconds. Your body will start to believe you're not in danger. Try it. Three, empathy. Understanding that other people have inner worlds too. Empathy question. What might this feel like from their side? You don't have to agree with them to understand them. Four, communication. Speaking from clarity instead of reactivity. Upgrade your language. Replace you always with when this happens I feel. And replace whatever with I'm overwhelmed. Can we slow down? Number five, accountability. Owning your impact without collapsing into shame. Accountability sounds like I see how that landed. I am so sorry. Here's what I'll do differently next time. No self-hate required. Number six, boundaries. Knowing what's yours and what isn't. Boundary truth. A boundary isn't a punishment. It's a container that makes connection safer. I can talk about this, but not while you're yelling. These are not traits, these are skills, and skills can be learned at any age. When someone grows emotionally later in life, healing ripples backward and forward. Their relationships soften, communication becomes clearer, their family feels safer around them, their inner world becomes less chaotic, their shame dissolves, their self-respect rises, and their heart opens. Imagine for a moment a father in his late 60s who has always gone silent when he's hurt. His adult daughter says, When you shut down, I feel like I don't matter. Old patterns would be disappearance. New patterns look like a pause, a breath, and maybe a shaky sentence. I'm realizing I do that when I'm ashamed. I don't want to punish you with silence. I'm sorry. Can we try it again? And in that moment, something bigger than one conversation heals. Because now the relationship has a New reference point and repair is possible. And often they grieve. They grieve the years they spent disconnected. They grieve the relationships they didn't know how to nurture. They grieve the version of themselves who didn't have the tools. But that grief is sacred. It's the sign of awakening. Most people don't need more insight. They need replacement sentences in the moments their nervous system takes over. So here are a few scripts you can borrow until they become yours. When you feel criticized, I'm feeling defensive. I want to understand. Can you tell me one specific thing you need? When you want to shut down, I'm going quiet because I'm overwhelmed. Not because I don't care. I need a short break and I'll come back. When you want to shut down, I'm going quiet because I'm overwhelmed. Not because I don't care. I need a short break and I'll come back. When you want to control, I'm noticing I'm trying to take over. I'm scared. Let's slow this down and take it one step at a time. When you realize you hurt someone, I hear you. I'm sorry. I'm not going to defend myself. Tell me what impact this had on you. When you're not ready, but you want to stay connected. I'm not ready to talk about this yet, but I'm committed to talking about it. Can we pick a time? And when you need a boundary, I'm willing to have this conversation, but not with insults. If it continues, I'll step away and we can try again later. Choose one script that matches your pattern. Write it down, put it in your notes apps, rehearse it once in a while when you're calm. Because you don't rise to the occasion, you fall to your practice. Choose your path. If you're the one growing later in life, let this next part land personally. If you're here because you love someone who's growing late, continue to listen anyway. It may help you soften without abandoning yourself. If you're listening and you feel like you're behind emotionally, you're not behind. You're right on time, your growth is not late, your healing is not late, and your awakening is not late. You are arriving in your life exactly when you're ready to hold it. Here's what I want to say gently but clearly. Growth also requires self-forgiveness, not the kind that excuses harm, the kind that frees you from drowning in shame so you can keep showing up. Make amends where you can, prepare what's preparable, and then live differently. That's the apology life understands. Choose your path. As you listen, notice which role you're in more often, the one doing the growing or the one waiting for the growth. Both can be tender and both can be hard. If you love someone who is emotionally immature but trying, remember this. Growth is messy. Awakening is uncomfortable. Change is vulnerable, but effort matters. Awareness matters. Willingness matters. And if you're the one loving them, you can hold hope without losing your standards. You can encourage growth without tolerating disrespect. Love doesn't mean you absorb the damage. Love can look like I believe in you and I need consistency. Sometimes the most profound transformation happens in the second half of life. Emotional intelligence is not a destination, it's a devotion. A devotion to understanding yourself, a devotion to communicating with clarity, a devotion to loving with maturity, and a devotion to showing up as the person you're becoming, not the person you were taught to be. Before we end, one more time. Pause, name it, make space, choose. Let that be your practices week, not perfection, just one more moment of presence than you had yesterday. If you want to make it tangible, here's your invitation. For the next seven days, pick one small practice and repeat it daily. One honest check-in, one apology without defensiveness, one pause before you respond, one boundary with kindness. That's how emotional intelligence gets built. Repetition, not willpower. And if you don't want to do this alone, you don't have to. So here's seven-day practice. Choose one. Pause before you respond, name one emotion out loud, make one repair quickly, set one boundary with kindness, keep it small, keep it real, let repetition make you powerful. And just for a moment, imagine the version of you who does this for a year. Not perfect, just consistent. Imagine your relationships feeling safer. Imagine you trusting yourself. Imagine being the kind of person who can hold emotion without throwing it like a weapon or burying it like a secret. And no matter your age, you can begin today. Because emotional intelligence isn't about how old you are, it's about how open you're willing to be. And if you've ever felt behind, let this be the thing we say out loud. You're not broken. You're learning. Thank you all for being here. I am truly honored that you've chosen to take time with me today. And if this episode resonated, please subscribe, follow, and share it with someone who's ready to step into their truth. You can find out more about my services and upcoming retreats at www.courageousalignment3.com. And you can follow on Instagram at Courageous Alignment3. New episodes are dropped once a week to help you rise, realign, and reconnect to who you truly are. As always, you can find me on any podcast platform. Remember, when you are truly in alignment with your soul, your heart will follow and your mind will become its wingman, and life becomes much easier. Courageous Alignment Podcast is where it all comes together. I'm looking forward to spending more time with you next week. I'll see you then.